an open letter to you.

I miss you.

I’ll be honest.

I miss you so much.

I should probably be sending this directly to you instead of putting it out in the open for hundreds of people to read.

Yet, here I am.

Going against my better judgement.

This is something I normally wouldn’t do, but since we parted ways, I’ve just had this overwhelming urge to write about it.

You. “Us?” The space you left.

It hasn’t gone well at all.

Nothing I’ve written has managed to capture what I was thinking or what I was trying to say.

I just end up rambling, deleting the note and doing something else.

Here's another attempt, let’s see how it goes this time.

If it doesn’t go well, I’ll just delete it and leave the thoughts to keep wandering around in my head.

I’ve never had a problem with that.

If you do see this, just know that I’m somewhat satisfied with how it turned out.

There’s another note that’s still sitting in my drafts.

I can almost swear that it will never see the light of day.

The only reason I haven’t deleted that raw and emotional outpouring of grief is because I sometimes go back to read it and laugh at myself.

It’s very interesting how time can provide a new perspective on things, if you’re patient enough to wait.

And I think it’s a great privilege to be able to laugh at the things that once made you sad.

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Anyway, the point of this letter is to say one thing: I miss you.

You’re probably tired of hearing it at this point.

I’m sorry if that’s the case, but I’ll admit that it feels good when you say it back.

Although there’s that tiny part of me that wonders if you truly mean it, there’s no part of me that doubts that fact that I do miss you, ****.

And I don’t mean I miss you in a desperate, crying myself to sleep at night type of way.

No. That would be unreasonable.

I mean I miss you in the I want to pick up the phone to call you and hear you talk about random stuff for hours type of way.

I mean, I miss writing a sad story and thinking, “Hope **** won’t cry when she reads this one too?”

I mean, I miss that spike of excitement I felt when I would get the iMessage notification that said, “**** sent 6 attachments 📸.”

I miss your sense of humour. Who knew girls could be so funny?

I miss seeing your beautiful face.

Yeah, that’s what I mean.

In many different moments, I just remember you.

Sometimes it’s twice or thrice in a certain day.

Sometimes you just randomly pop up in my head after a very long time.

Sometimes it’s my mind flashing back to something you said or something you did.

Then I’d feel that familiar weight settle in my chest again: half longing, half resignation.

That’s when I’ll sigh out loud.

So yeah, that’s what I mean when I say that I miss you.

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If we were to bring into frame the whole picture, would you say I am being unreasonable?

Many times, I do feel like I am.

Especially since “what we had” only lasted for a few months.

But in my defense, that was all the time you needed.

After the first few days, you had already left a very strong impression on me.

How crazy is that?

I had to catch myself multiple times and will myself to slow down.

To slow down from getting too excited and act like I’d been here before.

Even though I hadn’t.

At least not the way it was with you.

It was very different with you, ****.

Talking with you was just not the same way it was with anybody else.

I guess that’s another thing I miss.

Your interest was genuine. Your concern was genuine. You were genuine.

Don’t think I’ve ever been comfortable with being completely open with anybody the way I was with you.

It was hard to, but you made me want to.

You made it okay for me to.

No judgement. No snarky referencing. No switching up.

I never told you this before, but it meant (and still means) a lot to me.

You raised the bar in what I’ve come to expect from the women in my life, present and future.

You showed me what it means to experience genuine reciprocity.

And for that, I thank you.

Might have just been you doing you, but it was something I needed to feel for myself.

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When you cross my mind and I let my thoughts wander, they often switch between:

“I wonder what **** is up to right now.”

”Should I text her just to see how she’s doing?”

“What if she’s started seeing someone else?”

It’s my burden to bear, so I won’t bother you with just how upset that last thought gets me.

Then there are the questions I’ve been asking myself too.

“Did I get attached too quickly, too fast?”

“What is it about her that you miss so much?”

“Does this mean I have to forget about her completely?”

I want to say that I’ve rivalled you in thinking, but we both know you’ll always be the best at that.

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In another world, another life, maybe things would have been different.

The circumstances that led us here would be non-existent, and who knows?

We can say that it was inevitable, but at least it wouldn’t have been so soon.

Plus, I keep wondering if we’d still be good if I hadn’t made the stupid action I did on that Friday night.

We’d probably still be sinking deeper into that bubble, enjoying the moments as they came.

I really wouldn’t have minded it.

They say that some people come into your life “for a reason”, and others come in “for a season”.

For you, I believe it was both.

I’m good with the reason; I just wish that the season lasted a little longer.

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Not much has changed in the past few months.

It’s more or less the “same old”, as you like to say.

There are some little details that nobody else but you would care about, though.

Like the fact that I’ve “fixed” my sleeping schedule to an extent.

I still keep all-nighters, but not as often as before.

So I kept my promise to you.

Man of my word, as always.

I wonder if anything is new with you.

You’ll definitely have some stuff going on that I don’t know of.

How’s your mom doing? Do you still take walks? How’s the year been for you?

Are you back to vlogging? Any new, sweet additions added to your collection? Any new book series you’re losing hours in?

Many times, I wonder.

Either way, I hope you’re doing alright.

I pray for you every day.

You now subconsciously sit at the top of my supplication list.

Every time I pray, I tell God to keep you safe, happy, and content.

I hope you still pray regularly too.

And I hope you never forget that God loves you more than you could ever imagine.

Regardless of how shitty things might get, every now and then.

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Never stop keeping your head up.

Or writing.

Or reading.

Or taking walks.

Or cooking.

Or being the person you are.

Life might not always treat you fairly, but you’re much stronger than you think.

I’m glad that you know that you can reach out to me whenever you want to.

That’s never going to change.

We’re still friends and I’m rooting for you, wishing you all the best.

Take care of yourself, ****.

Till the next time we talk.

Or till I miss you again.

🫶❤️

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my next post is on friday(?), and it’s a pretty interesting one.

catch you then.

READ NEXT-

God is NOT your Friend.

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