Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive, and will come forth later, in uglier ways.
- Sigmund Freud.
The silent killer of everything good.
What fascinates me the most about resentment is that it can be present even in the best of times, just lying dormant and waiting.
It’s there when you’re having the best conversations.
It’s there when you’re laughing and smiling with them.
It’s there when they do good things for you, or you for them.
Sometimes you feel it,
sometimes you don’t.
You don’t even have to acknowledge it,
but it’s still there.
Just waiting for the perfect moment to reveal itself.
Waiting for the wrong word, wrong action or wrong joke.
Waiting for the day they catch you in the wrong mood,
and then BOOM!
It rears its ugly head.
Then you might wonder -
“How long have I been holding all that in?”
Resentment is a very complex emotion.
I think it’s worse than hate.
At least hate is usually explicit and acknowledged;
there’s clear conflict and separation when hate is involved.
But resentment just festers beneath the surface, slowly eating up the trust and intimacy that has been there far longer than it has.
Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with this emotion.
I’ve felt it deeply before.
That tugging of anger and dislike swirling in my heart towards someone that I, on the surface, had no reason to be upset with.
It’s a terrible feeling.
They can be doing all the right things and saying all the right things.
Yet I’m there, just… bitter.
I’ve been on the receiving end of it too.
I did something to a friend of mine that she absolutely hated.
Of course, I apologised and promised to do better going forward (which I did).
Yet, in the following months, she still resented me for what I did, despite trying her best not to.
I thought we were good. I mean, we seemed good.
Until one day-
She lashed out.
She just couldn’t pretend that things were fine anymore.
And that was it, the illusion shattered.
We then proceeded to have some very difficult conversations concerning some difficult emotions, because deep down, we still both wanted to save our friendship.
Fortunately for us, we did.
The primary cause of resentment is in that quote above -
“Unexpressed emotions”.
Which are usually negative.
It’s born when we feel wronged by someone, and the hurt from their actions (or words) goes unaddressed.
Unaddressed by you:
internally to yourself (“this action made me feel bad”)
or
externally to them (“what you did made me feel bad”).
Still with me?
Or maybe:
You told them, but your hurt was dismissed.
or
They apologised and you forgave (or thought you did), yet the hurt remained.
Like it or not, a seed has been sown.
Resentment also grows the longer we feel unheard, unappreciated, or taken for granted in our relationships.
Describing exactly how it feels literally is tricky.
Think of it as a toxic cocktail of anger, disappointment, bitterness, and spite directed at someone you genuinely care about.
At first, it’s easy to ignore it, but as it grows, the creeping signs of resentment become more and more obvious.
Some of them include:
Passive-aggressive behavior: You might find yourself expressing your hurt in indirect ways— giving the silent treatment, dropping backhanded compliments, or scrutinising their every action.
Emotional withdrawal: You start to pull away emotionally or even physically, especially in romantic relationships. Suddenly, you don’t crave their intimacy anymore and you may even feel more at peace when they’re not around.
Keeping score: You begin to mentally tally every little transgression, even the ones they are not aware of committing. You remind yourself (and sometimes them) of their past mistakes on an almost constant basis.
Hypersensitivity: Everything they do starts to irritate you. A bad joke? Infuriating. A wrongly-timed touch? Outrageous!
Even a simple question can trigger an unexpected reaction.
Sound familiar?
It does, doesn’t it?
The longer resentment lingers in a relationship, whether from one person to the other or mutually, the harder it is to detoxify the relationship.
The best way to prevent it from gaining a stronghold is by nipping it in the bud as soon as you notice any of the signs above.
Some steps you can take to stop resentment from growing include:
Identify the source:
First, you get to the root of the problem.
What exactly did they say or do to hurt you?
What bothered you that you refused to admit?
What unresolved feelings are fueling your anger?
Pinpointing the source is essential before you can address it.
Open communication:
This is where things get tricky.
It’s the toughest part.
You must have that difficult conversation or conversations.
Talk openly and honestly about your feelings.
Use “I” statements to express your frustrations without pointing fingers.
Patiently explain yourself and patiently listen to their explanations.
Practice forgiveness:
Easier said than done, I know.
Letting go of the past is essential for your peace of mind.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning their actions or allowing them back into your life;
it just means finding the will to stop holding their wrongdoing against them.
Trust me, you’ll feel better once you release that negativity.
Focus on solutions:
Ask “How do we move forward?”
After acknowledging and forgiving, it’s time to move beyond dwelling on past mistakes.
Set boundaries if needed.
You might need to ease slowly into the level your relationship was before.
The most important thing is that both parties must be committed to making things work.
Practice appreciation:
Try your best to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship.
Focus on their strengths and the reasons you choose to stay with them.
Allow the positive thoughts to wash away the poison of resentment.
I still struggle with resentment in many ways,
So I know it’s easier said than done.
There will be setbacks, and “healing” as it were, may take some time.
However, when we take responsibility for our feelings,
communicate them effectively,
and actively seek solutions,
we can build healthier and happier relationships.
For those of us struggling with resentment towards the people we care about, I wish us strength and pray that one day we’ll have the courage to forgive them and move on from the hurt.
READ NEXT -
You know how they say writers can put your feelings into words? That’s exactly what you’ve done here! I’ve felt this way so many times and couldn’t quite figure out why I was so bitter toward someone I cared about. Reading this felt like you reached into my mind and put my emotions on paper. Amazing work, Edun❤️
It's these emotions that we take for granted that are the most tribal; anger, resentment, hate, envy. Just like the physical healing of our bodies, we have the emotional healing too. Thank you for pointing these out.✨