“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive, and will come forth later, in uglier ways.” - Sigmund Freud.
Resentment is a very terrible thing.
It’s the silent killer of everything good, and what fascinates me the most about it is how it can be present even in the best of times.
You can hold bitterness in your heart, and it’ll lie there dormant for years.
It’ll be there when you’re having the best conversations. It’ll be there when you’re laughing and smiling. It’ll be there when they do good things for you, or you for them.
Sometimes, you’ll feel it, and other times, you won’t.
Either way, it’s still there, and even if you don’t acknowledge it, it’s there.
Just waiting and waiting, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal itself.
Waiting for the wrong word, the wrong action, or the wrong joke.
Then when that day and time finally comes… BOOM!
Resentment rears its ugly head.
Then you might start to wonder -
“How long have I been holding all that in?”
Resentment is a very complex emotion, and I strongly believe that it’s worse than hate.
“Hate” is often explicit and acknowledged, and when it’s involved, there’s usually an obvious form of conflict or separation.
However, resentment festers beneath the surface, slowly eating up all the trust and intimacy that was present far longer than it was.
Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with this emotion, and I’ve felt it deeply before.
You probably have too.
That tugging of anger and dislike swirling in your heart towards someone that you, on the surface, probably have no real reason to be upset with.
Or against someone who you have every right to be upset with.
It’s a terrible feeling.
They can be doing all the right things and saying all the right things, and yet you’re there, just feeling… bitter.
They can have moved on with their life, enjoying their days, and yet you’re there… bitter.
I’ve been on the receiving end of resentment too.
A few years ago, I did something to a friend of mine that she absolutely hated.
And, of course, I apologised and promised to do better going forward, which I tried my best to do.
Yet, in the following months, she still resented me for what had happened, despite trying her best not to.
I thought we were good. I mean, we seemed good, and I assumed everything was behind us.
Until one day when she just couldn’t pretend that things were fine anymore, and she lashed out bitterly at me.
The whole illusion shattered.
After that, we proceeded to have some very difficult conversations that involved some difficult emotions, because we both wanted to save our friendship.
Fortunately for us, we did.
We had to take some time off talking, just to give each other some space, and then we came back into close, regular contact.
I’d like to believe now that the slate has been wiped clean permanently.
And now that I think about it, this exact scenario has played out with two different people.
The primary cause of resentment is found in that quote above -
“Unexpressed emotions.”
Negative unexpressed emotions.
Resentment is born when we feel wronged by someone and the hurt from their actions or words goes unaddressed.
Either unaddressed by you internally to yourself (“This action made me feel bad”) or by you externally to them (“What you did made me feel bad”).
Resentment can also arise when you did express how you felt, but your hurt was dismissed.
Or they apologised and you forgave them (or thought you did), yet the hurt still lingered within you.
When either of these things happens, the seed of resentment has been planted.
Resentment also grows the longer we feel unheard, unappreciated, or taken for granted in our relationships.
Describing in literal words how resentment feels is very tricky.
However, you can think of it as a toxic cocktail of anger, disappointment, bitterness, and spite that’s directed at someone you genuinely care about or once cared about.
At first, resentment is easy to ignore, but as it grows, its creeping signs become more and more obvious.
Some of them include:
Passive-aggressive behaviour:
You might find yourself expressing your hurt in indirect ways, such as giving them the silent treatment, dropping backhanded compliments, or scrutinising their every action.
Emotional withdrawal:
You might start to pull away from them emotionally or even physically.
Suddenly, you don’t crave their presence anymore, and you may even feel more at peace when they’re not around.
Keeping score:
You begin to mentally tally every little transgression they make, even the ones they are not aware of committing and the ones that are genuine mistakes.
You make it a habit to constantly remind yourself (and sometimes them) of their past errors.
Hypersensitivity:
Everything they do irritates you.
A bad joke is infuriating, and wrongly timed touch can set you off.
Even the simplest of questions can trigger an unexpected reaction within you.
Do any of these sound familiar?
They do, don’t they?
The longer resentment lingers in a relationship, whether from one person to the other or on both sides, the harder detoxifying the relationship becomes.
The best way to prevent resentment from gaining a stronghold is by nipping it in the bud as soon as you notice any of the above signs.
Some of the practical steps you can take to stop resentment from growing include:
Identify the source:
First, you must get to the root of the problem.
What exactly did they say or do to hurt you? What bothered you that you refused to admit? What unresolved feelings are fuelling your anger?
Pinpointing the source of the bitterness is essential because it’s the first step to addressing, and maybe, resolving, the issue.
Open communication:
This is where things get a bit tricky, and I’d admit that it’s probably the toughest part of the process.
If possible, then you need to have that difficult conversation or conversations with that person or people.
The goal is for you to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, patiently explaining yourself and patiently listening to their explanations.
In cases where communication with the other party is not possible, maybe due to certain circumstances, then you’re going to have to have the talk with yourself.
You must be honest with yourself about the pain you feel and the reason it’s essential for you to now move on.
Practice forgiveness:
I know that forgiveness is easier said than done; however, letting go of the past is essential for your peace of mind.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone their actions or allow them back into your life; it also doesn’t mean that you have now “lost”.
It just means that you’ve chosen to stop holding on to the hurt that was committed against you.
And you’ve decided to stop holding their wrongdoing against them.
Once you release that negativity, even if you don’t “feel” better immediately, over time, the wound will begin to heal properly.
Sometimes, you also have to be the one to forgive yourself.
Focus on solutions:
In situations where you’re resentful toward someone you care about, the next question to ask after forgiveness and communication is, “How do we move forward?”
The time has come to move on from mistakes.
You might need to ease slowly into the level your relationship was before if it’s something you both desire.
It might be very difficult on some days, but the most important thing is that both parties are committed to making things work.
Once this factor is settled, time and intentionality are enough to handle the rest.
I still struggle with resentment sometimes, so I know that all this is easier said than done.
There will be moments of setbacks and “healing”; however, the form it’s required in might take some time.
However, when we take responsibility for our feelings, communicate them effectively, and actively seek solutions, we can build healthier and happier relationships.
For those still struggling with resentment towards the people we care about, I wish you strength and pray that one day you’ll have the courage to forgive and move on from the hurt. Amen.
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oh my🥺 you don’t know how timely this is. I was literally telling God just yesterday to help me and please acknowledge that He sees this emotion i’m trying to deal with and this came at just the right moment. Thank you, thank you. What are the odds, honestly. Thanks for being the vessel🥺 I pray God helps me overcome this or even identify the root because it’s been a bit of a struggle for me😫.
As a first born child, with four younger siblings and countless friendships where I acted in caretaker capacities, this describes my day to day interactions. It is eerily accurate😞😞