real men don't cry
and that's the truth.
Real men don’t cry.
Real men don’t show emotions or allow themselves to be vulnerable to anybody.
Not even for a moment.
To a real man, being emotional is equal to being weak.
A real man has no time to pause, breathe, and deal with how he truly feels at a given time.
A real man is logical, straightfoward, and egoistical.
A real man does not hold women accountable for their actions or even disagree with their opinions.
That’s who a real man is.
Now my question is:
Why the f- should I care about being a “real” man?
Is just being a man not enough?
Is the fact that a penis dangles between my legs not enough to make me a “real man”?
By what standards do we even define “real men”?
By whose appropriation do we assign this “realness”?
Is it by God?
Did He give us these standards?
I don’t remember reading anything in my bible about the criteria to be a “real” man.
I don’t think any other religious text does either.
So where did these “requirements” to be “a real man” that have been consciously and unconsciously placed on the male gender come from?
It’s gotten so bad that we’ve even placed these expectations upon ourselves.
Making us feel less whenever we fall short.
If another man calls you a “real man”, you probably did something egoistic or you displayed some overt form of “masculinity”.
If a woman calls you a “real man”, you probably did something for her that she liked.
Women on the internet enjoy using the term “real man” when a man supports an absurd opinion that’s favourable to them.
If your parents call you a real man, you probably catered for one of their needs or handled a certain responsibility.
If the agberos on the street hail you, saying “na man you be”, it’s probably because you “showed love” by giving them some money.
If society calls you a “real man”, it’s probably because you have a moderately-paying job, a nice house,a family, and a car.
Now, not all these examples are bad, but one thing they all have in common is that
people appropriate their definition of “realness” to a man, based on what he can do or has done for them.
Or based on their biased perspective of how a man should behave.
I hope you follow.
Now, there’s another school of thought.
The “alpha male”, often-toxic, male gurus with podcasts school of thought that claims you have to be extremely fit, aggressive, rich, and overly masculine to be a “real man”.
While certain sections of that school of thought spew absolute rubbish, especially in their takes on women.
Some of them have a flicker of logic in the points they make.
Like encouraging men to be physically healthy and to work hard to avoid poverty.
It’s just unfortunate that the exaggerated takes of a few bad eggs drive the attention away from the helpful ones.
Anyways.
The thing is, the moment we falter in the expectations of these different sections of people, we stop being a “real man” to them.
Which brings me back to my question.
Why should I want to be a “real man"?
Why should I live my life subject to external expectations and feel like a failure because I didn’t meet up to them?
It makes no sense to me.
Like the example of the parents I gave earlier, I believe that as men, what makes us is our responsibilities.
It’s the only expectation of us that makes sense.
We have responsibilities.
Non-negotiable responsibilities to ourselves
and to our families
and to our immediate society.
These responsibilities are as old as time, rooted in our nature, and are stronger than any debates against “gender roles” will ever be.
Some of these responsibilities are in the Bible and other Holy/ancient books.
They are what helped our ancestors build strong empires and be strong men.
The responsibilities include:
To Lead
To Protect.
To Provide.
And many more.
I don’t care what anybody says that’s otherwise.
These things are our duty.
Especially as we start having our own families, making impact and building legacies.
They are part of the things that make us strong and valuable to ourselves and the people around us.
If you’re succeeding in fulfilling your duty, you should be considered a “real” man.
If you’re working tirelessly towards building something substantial, you should be considered a “real” man.
Even if you’re stuck, confused, broke, and desperate for a change.
Even if you’re losing hope, thinking your big break will never come.
You are not less of a man.
On the days when we fail at our duty.
On the days when we falter at our responsibilities.
Whether to ourselves or to those we love.
We are still not lesser men.
We get up and we keep going.
There’s many ways to get manipulated, but we have to be cautious.
We don’t have to agree with idiotic opinions on the internet
or be a weak simp that’s desperate to please every woman
or have all the flashy material possessions
or have the most athletic bodies
or be narcissistic
or be misogynistic
or be emotionless and stone-hearted
or cater to the needs of every parasite around us
before we can be “real men.”
And if those are the requirements, then fuck being a real man.
We’ll just be men.
Men who know their responsibilities
and their purpose
and strive to fulfill them with all our heart and might.
Now, another question:
Is it okay for men to cry?
“Cry” here is an umbrella term for showing emotions and being vulnerable.
My answer:
Yes.
“Men” is often used as a general term, so it’s easy to forget that we’re all
individual humans
with
different temperaments and emotions.
We were all raised differently too.
These things greatly influence who we are.
Personally, when I’m faced with overwhelming situations, crying (physical tears) is never my first response.
I’m very solution-oriented.
I’ve trained myself to expect little and to not get offended by stuations or by people.
I also prefer to deal with my emotional issues by myself.
Yes, I have friends I talk to, but often times, I deal with my problems on my own.
That is me.
If another man handles his things differently, that is not an issue.
Who created a general standard for men on how to deal with their emotions and feelings that are unique to them?
I think the older generation has a part of the blame to shoulder.
It’s not a secret that many fathers today are emotionally disconnected from their children.
As great as our fathers were at working and societal impact, many of them were never taught how to be emotionally grounded.
Rather, they were taught that emotions make them weak and were forced to suppress these feelings from a young age.
They were taught so by their fathers, who were taught the same by their fathers, and on and on and on.
A vicious cycle.
Like Kendrick put it:
And to perfectly back up my earlier point:
To every man (or woman) reading this.
Crying is not a sign of weakness.
Neither is being emotional or vulnerable.
Yes, there are times when we must be strong in the face of adversity.
We might have to “chest it and keep it moving.”
We might have to swallow our feelings and remain steady in that moment.
No soldier must appear weak in the presence of his enemy.
But there’s no shame if we let ourselves feel.
In fact, the ability to feel an emotion, interprete it and understand why you are feeling it is one that many people don’t have. Sadly.
Although, I think this generation has the most emotionally self-aware young men that the world has seen in a while.
I have guys who are not afraid to be honest with their emotions or talk about hurtful experiences.
More young men are open today to speaking on their mental health problems and seeking professional help when they need it.
I see men on Substack writing expressive pieces that are mind-blowing.
And while we’re not without our number of issues, it’s encouraging that we’re in the midst of a slight paradigm shift.
There’s no pride in being “cold” and “emotionless”.
It’s only good for aesthetics.
You know, that Thomas Shelby, Peaky Blinder type shit.
The men who live that way, such as Tommy, usually do so as a response to some unhealed trauma that they faced at a point in their lives.
We can be emotional.
We can be vulnerable.
We’ll just be smart about it.
We won’t make it the staple of our identity.
Because being overly emotional is also dangerous in itself.
An important balance must struck between being
emotionally self-aware
and
remaining grounded in logic.
We must also be careful with the people we are vulnerable with.
Every one of us.
Remember what happened to Samson?
Exactly.
There’s no crime in wanting to deal with your shit by yourself.
That’s my outlook on life.
But when you have people around you, willing to help.
Don’t ever think you are “weak” by accepting the help.
I don’t want to be a “real man”.
I just want to be a man.
A man that loves God,
protects the people dear to him
and cares for his family.
A man that shows the people around him that he cares about them.
A man that finds fulfilment in his work
and makes a lasting impact on every person he meets.
A man that uplifts the weak around him
and gives to the less privileged.
A man who is in touch with emotions
and knows how to feel the things he feels.
A man who is intentional about being good.
A man that will not break down at the sight of every problem,
but knows that being overwhelmed does not make him less of a man.
A man that knows that he’s solely responsible for the outcome of his life
but there’s no shame in seeking help.
A man that knows he doesn’t have to do it all on his own.
That’s the man I want to be.
I don’t want to be a “real man” to the rest of the world.
I want to be a man that’s real to himself.
I hope you get the message.
Also, it’s insane to me that I randomly stumbled upon this story post yesterday.
I think it succinctly sums up my whole point.
Divine timing, perhaps?
Also, I remember a conversation on Twitter many months ago.
The initial tweet was like (“a real man does not care about your past”) and it just made me laugh.
I’ll keep my opinion on that to myself, but I hope you see the clear picture of how people’s opinion on “realness” is selfishly allocated.
Don’t be deceived. Don’t be manipulated.
Also, can we stop with the gender wars all the time? Damn.
life is like jumping bus from sango to mowe
I have a habit of seeing or trying to see the lessons in every situation I find myself in.
UP NEXT - A fiction story titled “Chrono Mortem”. See you on Saturday!
I really love how Kendrick describes his journey as an emotionally sensitive boy growing up with a father than was emotionally unavailable.
Real men don't cry, they weep!
Matt 11:35 "JESUS wept"
Immediately I saw what the sarcasm in the title, I knew what it was all about. Real post from a real man if you ask me. "They depised Ebun, they didn't like that he spoke the truth"