Why do I feel like I hate you?
I don’t. I genuinely know that I care about you. I do.
So I don’t understand the resentment I feel sometimes.
Many times it’s justified cause you get on my nerves, but it’s usually so easy to trigger.
It shouldn’t be so easy to trigger.
People do similar and sometimes worse things to me and I let it slide.
But with you… everything is amplified.
I really don’t understand it.
Is it past hurt? Do I have trauma?
Why does this always happen when people who have SHOWED me that they care about me do something that hurts me?
God, I need help.
I don’t hate you. I really don’t.
I just don’t understand this feeling in my heart sometimes.
This anger. This resentment. This vexation.
It really makes no sense to me.
I’m sorry, I really, really am.
You deserve better.
It’s unhealthy, honestly. It is.
You don’t deserve the way I treat you sometimes.
Especially the coldness and the silence.
You might think I don’t care about you anymore, but that’s far from the truth.
If only you understood the half of what goes on in my mind.
I’d let you in but I can’t do that.
My darkness and my struggles and my flaws are for myself and myself to bear alone.
I just hope one day we’d be able to have a normal relationship, like we did before.
Maybe me graduating from school will be good for us. Maybe the proximity and familiarity is what’s making me take you for granted.
I don’t want to experience “you don’t know the value of what you have till it’s gone”.
I don’t want to.
I love you.
You’re a good friend to me, and I never want to lose you.
Not due to my issues, anyways.
Sigh.
I wish I could tell you all this.
Maybe I should.
Maybe it’ll help.
Idk, man.
I really don’t.
I will pray though.
I have to pray against every resentment I feel towards the people who love me.
And pray against not being able to love the people who love me properly, especially once some form of bitterness is involved.
Seems like a deep issue.
God abeg.
Life is so brazy.
I don’t hate you. I really don’t.
I’m tired of that feeling that pops sometimes.
The nonchalance and the indifference that I shove in your face with my words and my actions, even when you’re just trying to care.
It’s not me.
Not to you, anyways.
Cause you care about me.
And I love you.
I just can’t… show you, or tell you, right now.
Because I’m still so angry and hurt and vengeful, and I don’t know how to get it out of me.
Your apologies and your restitutions have honestly done almost nothing to ease this gnawing ache in my chest.
And yet you still treat me much better than I deserve.
That’s the truth whether I like it or not.
Then almost a year later:
If you follow the timeline, you can see where the note that became today’s post fits in.
My friend and I are very good now though, all I’d just say is this: Fight resentment and never let it linger between you and the people you love.
It’s a bitter toxin that does nothing but destroy everything that’s good; past memories, present moments, and potential happiness.
Just address and kill it as soon as it starts to grow, or else...
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