your penis can literally ruin your life.
gotta be careful, man.
It’s never been lost on me how the strongest man to ever live — Samson — and the wisest man to ever live — Solomon — both met their downfall through the same flaw: a lack of self-control.
And not just any kind of self-control, but sexual self-control.
It’s very sobering.
Because if superhuman strength wasn’t enough, and supernatural wisdom wasn’t enough to save them, then surely people with an average level of both need to consider this issue more seriously.
This subject is a matter that goes way beyond morality or religion.
It’s more about human empathy, responsibility, and the foresight to see the price of carelessness.
Sexual discipline is every man’s personal burden to bear.
And many of us will fall into problems and destruction, like many already have, if we refuse to carry it.
It’s no secret that we live in the most hypersexualised generation in history.
Sexual content is everywhere.
It’s in the music. The movies. The memes. The explore pages. The ads. The jokes. The comments section.
Everywhere.
Even if you’re not actively searching for it, it can often somehow just find its way to you.
I could talk about how this reality is definitely not a mere coincidence, but I don’t want to digress.
My point is that, if you let it, the world today is wired to cater to and aggravate the flames of your natural sexual desires.
So much so that it starts to affect the way you think and the things you do.
That’s why caution is required now more than ever before.
The consequences of unchecked sexual desire and actions often go way beyond personal shame and private regret.
This recklessness can also cause wide, irreversible damage to others.
Across generations, many men have abused, betrayed, and destroyed people, dreams, and empires simply because they were undisciplined.
And when a man lacks discipline in the area of his sexual appetite, his downfall will almost never be just personal.
Often times, it will affect the people around him greatly.
There’s way too many examples I can give.
Homes are broken. Trust is shattered. Wives are humiliated. Children are abandoned. Businesses are shut. Wars are lost. Destinies are destroyed.
If you look around, you’ll see story after story of men in power who have raped and abused the women they were responsible for, simply because their leadership position made them feel untouchable.
Husbands who cheat repeatedly, because their constant need for pleasure and external gratification outweighed their commitment and loyalty to their spouses.
Respected leaders in business, ministry, and government, who built platforms on excellence, only to tear it all down in one night or moment of unguarded foolishness.
Families that have been left in ruins.
Reputations that were once golden, now being used as cautionary tales to warn others from making the same errors.
And in almost every one of these cases, it wasn’t because these men didn’t know better; it was because they didn’t choose better.
They chose to make a terrible choice.
And what was the choice?
The refusal to pay the cost of discipline.
When a man does not deal with whatever drives him, and he refuses to put a firm grip on his emotions and desires and actions.
He becomes a danger.
Not just to himself, but to every single person and thing around him.
One of the quickest ways a man can lose his integrity is by surrendering to the pull of his sexual urges, especially when they’re indiscriminate.
It may not happen all at once, but little by little, one compromise at a time, it’s possible that he slowly begins to trade in his values for momentary satisfaction.
And when impulsive desire becomes the compass by which you navigate your life, it is inevitable that you will start to drift off course.
You’ll lie, you’ll cheat, and you’ll manipulate.
You’ll always say the right things but not mean them, because you’ve learnt that they’re the fastest route to getting what you want.
You’ll make promises you never planned to keep, knowing full well that the words coming out of your mouth don’t match the intentions in your heart.
It might happen just a few times at first, but the more you indulge, the more it becomes a habit.
Then the habit becomes who you are.
Before you know it, you’ll no longer see a woman as a human being with a mind, esteem, and dignity.
But you’ll see her as a target or checkpoint, a means to your end.
And every interaction with every woman will come with a sense of conquest.
Either it’s “winning” their affection, or “getting” their body, or “securing” their attention.
You’ll lose your ability to form deep human-to-human connection because intimate moments will become a collectible trophy.
Something for you to brag and boast about to and with fellow shallow-minded men like yourself.
When you get to this point, lust will have done more than just warp your values; it’ll have changed the entire way you see life.
You’ll objectify, feel entitled, and demand things you haven't earned.
You’ll stop being emotionally available, mentally present, and even spiritually grounded.
Relationships are now transactional, every form of vulnerability is a threat, and that innate ability to love deeply will be replaced by something more shallow and performative.
Even if the world doesn’t see it yet, you’ll know it.
Deep down in your heart, you’ll know when you’ve started to drift.
You’ll know when your intentions aren’t pure.
You’ll know when you’re operating outside the strong moral values you once had.
At that point, it’s either you start to find your way back or you make excuses.
Either you start to pay the price of discipline or you wrap your behaviour in justifications that seem “clever”:
“Men are wired to be polygamous.”
“It’s just my nature.”
“I’ll stop when I’ve had my fun.”
And the more you lie to yourself, the more you believe your own lies.
Then as time passes, it becomes easier to live with the version of yourself that you never once imagined you could become.
Or for some, it becomes easier for you to kill your conscience and express the most vile, barbaric intentions of your heart.
All in a bid to satisfy something that can never, ever be satisfied.
I promise you, lust is insatiable.
It does not matter how much you try to feed it, it will always want more.
If you have not trained your mind and disciplined your body to be content, you will always find yourself looking for the next thrill.
The next body.
The next fantasy.
The next hit of sexual validation.
Lust is not one void that you can fill and just walk away from.
It is a fire that grows stronger the more you feed it.
What starts as curiosity becomes appetite, then grows into attraction, and then into obsession.
Then it’s not about pleasure anymore; it’s about compulsion.
You’re left chasing something that no longer satisfies you, just so you don’t have to sit with the emptiness in your soul.
On Criminal Minds, they deal with so many sexual serial killers.
And one thing they all always have in common is that after a while, they don’t rape and murder people again because they want to, but because they need to.
They have to, just to feel normal.
And the more they do it, the more they have to do it. Until they are killed or caught.
You might not have murdered anybody yet, but I’m telling you this:
It’s a very thin line between obsession and compulsion.
A lot of men think they can “tame” this raging fire by giving it “safe outlets”, so they turn to things like pornography.
But porn in itself is not a relief.
And while it might seem like so for a while, it’s just an easier way for you to feed the beast that’s never going to be full.
Porn is a monster.
It desensitises your mind.
It conditions your brain to chase pleasure all the time.
It kills your desire for real intimacy and your ability to form authentic connection.
It rewires your expectations, floods you with cheap dopamine, and trains you to expect to get pleasure whenever you want it.
Over time, it changes the way you view sex, the way you see women, and the way you value yourself.
There are thousands of research articles that back all this up.
The tragedy of the “easiness” of porn is that, instead of helping you control the desire, it lets you end up being controlled by it.
You’re no longer making rational decisions, but you’re responding to impulses.
Every action or image or sound or word that was once “normal” to you is now a trigger.
A trigger for you to get your pleasure as soon as you can.
And you don’t realise how bad it’s gotten until you try to stop; then you realise that you’re in serious trouble.
See, I’ve seen this thing play out in real life.
It’s very heartbreaking.
It’s an easy conclusion to draw that men who can’t stay faithful or who treat sex carelessly are simply reckless, selfish, or unprincipled.
Let’s assume that 9 out of 10 men are.
Yet nuance and human empathy demand that we pay attention to that 1 man who’s not struggling solely because of indiscipline.
But also because of unresolved pain.
It’s never an excuse for terrible actions, but at least it provides some context.
I’ve seen that it’s easy to chase pleasure when you’re running away from pain.
For many, reckless sexual behaviour has become an escape.
An escape from trauma that has been buried so deeply that you’ll never notice it from the surface.
Sometimes, even the victim doesn’t notice.
However, it always shows up in subtle patterns- patterns of secrecy, detachment, compulsive behaviour, and emotional shutdown.
And this goes the same for both sides, not just for men.
Sexual dopamine becomes the easiest way for them to feel something or to feel nothing at all.
All because they once had a direct or indirect experience that awakened something in them long before they understood what it meant.
And from that moment, something inside them fractured.
Sex stopped being sacred and became a mere shortcut to validation.
A twisted way to feel powerful.
A distorted version of intimacy, that’s stripped of all forms of love and emotion.
And till today, they still carry that fracture.
They don't know how to express their love unless it’s physical.
They don't know how to receive genuine love unless it’s laced with some form of explicit desire.
They use sex as a shield and sexual “conquests” as a way to boost their confidence and massage their ego.
And eventually, when the high wears off and the thrill inevitably fades, they still feel hollow.
That’s the heartbreak of it all.
The man who was wounded in silence is now the man who wounds in silence.
And the cycle continues.
Unfortunately, the cycle continues.
I’m not making excuses for him, I’m just saying there’s a root to it all.
And for you, the 1 man, at some point, you’re going to have to stop and ask yourself: What am I really trying to fill?
What am I hoping to prove?
And is the cost of this craving worth the people I’m hurting?
Am I not tied of showing up in my own life as someone I don’t want to be?
I’m not asking you to judge yourself, but you have to heal yourself.
I know it’s easier said than done.
And I understand that I can never understand, but I believe that there’s nobody too broken to change.
You can let the pain go, before you become a conduit to causing more pain.
But your healing won’t happen by accident.
You must confront that root.
Or else lust will keep demanding a price from you.
And in the end, the cost might be more than you ever thought you’d have to pay.
To be sexual is to be human.
The desire is humane.
It’s biological, and it’s built into our bodies.
The Creator put it there.
Wanting sex, craving connection, feeling desire, none of these things are sins or flaws.
You can’t kill it.
Killing it is killing a part of what makes you who you are.
But whilst you can’t kill the beast, you can certainly tame it.
Testosterone exists, and for many men, that means they have a stronger sex drive than the average woman.
But like they say, “With great power comes even greater responsibility”.
You will be making a grave mistake by letting this natural desire go unchecked, ungoverned, and undisciplined.
Or brandishing it with entitlement.
Your sexual desire is YOUR problem, it is not something the world must accommodate.
It’s not something the world should have to suffer for.
It’s very wrong to believe that the women around you somehow owe you their attention, their bodies, or their time, simply because you want it.
Stop making your penis everyone’s issue.
Your urges don’t have to dictate your behaviour, or your decisions, or your expectations of others.
It’s your problem, deal with it by yourself.
There’s so many other healthy outlets.
We need to learn to tell ourselves “NO”.
No to that second glance where it’s not wanted.
No to reckless flirtation.
No to sending that DM/DMs you know you have no business sending.
No to opening that browser tab.
No to telling that lie or making that promise.
No to sending unsolicited pictures of your penis, for God’s sake.
Don’t we have shame again?
These things are so embarrassing, and I literally cringe halfway to death when I hear them.
We have elderly men who can’t keep their hands to themselves, and it’s like: Even after all your years on this Earth, why haven’t you mastered discipline?
It’s so, so disgraceful, please.
Like I wrote in my last post, your actions are painting a picture.
And when so many men are doing the same terrible things, you are harming the present and future image of the entire population.
I talk to my female friends sometimes, and the things they say, man…
It’s beyond wicked that almost every woman has a sexual assault story.
Like, why?
What exactly are we doing?
You can say, “Oh, but I’ve never done that! And I never will!”
And maybe you haven’t, but have you stood too close to a woman in a queue before?
Have you ever made indiscriminate comments about a woman’s body?
Have you stalked a woman on the road, insisting that she talk to you or give you her number, even after she made it clear that she’s not interested?
Yes? Then you’re a part of the problem still.
All these things add up.
We must stop pretending or acting like they don’t matter.
Any man who refuses to master his appetite will eventually be mastered by it.
And the wreckage will not stay private forever.
Your lack of control will not just ruin your life or legacy or future; it will probably push you to do things that will ruin the lives of others.
At least, if it was just your life that you were ruining, nobody would fight you about it.
But these actions spiral, and we have to do better.
Untrained, unchallenged, undisciplined, and carelessly expressed sexual desire is a ticking bomb.
That clock is always running, and one day your actions will set it off.
And when that happens, the results will be catastrophic, I guarantee you.
Anytime I write posts like this, someone always asks me, “So, what should I do?”
The only solution to this issue is the cultivation of basic human empathy + discipline.
Ask yourself a question:
“Why should I hurt the feelings or degrade the humanity of another human being, just because I feel an urge?”
An urge that’s temporal.
Why?
The lack of the ability or the unwillingness to think thoroughly about the consequences of their actions is one of the reasons we have men doing so much messed up stuff today.
Think like a normal human.
And please, be disciplined.
Discipline your mind and your actions.
Stop trying to sugarcoat it or play it down- you have a problem.
And until you can say “NO” to your body, you will always be at its mercy.
Hit the gym. Read a book. Pray. Ask for help. Get a hobby.
DO SOMETHING ELSE!
That thing between your legs has a mind of its own, and if you let it rule over your rational mind, you will destroy yourself.
You know that clarity that ALWAYS comes after the satiation?
We should live in that clarity.
That space of remorse and understanding of the grave consequences of the action.
Don’t live in the delusion that comes before it.
Be disciplined.
Discipline is you choosing to protect your future self, even when your present self is begging for something else.
It’s thinking beyond the moment and understanding that your legacy, your life, and the sanctity of another human being are more important than the stirring you feel in your body.
If we want to build anything of value, a relationship, a family, or an empire, then this is a battle we must learn to win.
We can’t afford not to.
For our sakes and the sakes of those around us.
We must do better.
This is #3 in a series of posts that will be generally focused on men as we celebrate Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month this June.
See you again soon.
READ NEXT-
I’ve gotten a lot of slack for this post but I wrote what I wrote, and I stand on it with all conviction.
I thought we were still on Samson 😂 but heyy I love the trajectory this🥹. Strive towards discipline! It's possible!
Ebun, I don't know how many times I can say 'thank you' but I'll say it twice. Thank you for writing this. On behalf of women, on behalf of men, really, thank you for writing this.
And it feels good to know that there are young men who think this way. Sometimes I see stuff on the Internet and around me and I'm like "are there any good ones left?" This is a good reminder that there are.
God bless you.